The Blessed Forgetful

Happiness is...

2009-07-19T23:23:00.004-04:00

Everything I've been feeling since I got him back in my life again. The hurt and suffering that remained hidden underneath it all is slowly dissipating as we make our way back into each other's lives.

He is a changed man. I have changed as well.

Along with this transition has come the acceptance that we each had to move on somewhat while we were apart...despite my urges to punch every girl that looked at him or came near him in the face, I'm surprisingly OK with it. Toss the insecurities aside--pitch them. Because you know what? He's with me, and even time and pretty girls didn't stop him from thinking about me. And VICE VERSA. Always on my mind...

God, how I missed him. I still do...but this kind of missing is the kind you feel when you're anxiously awaiting to see them again and get caught in a powerful embrace. Not the kind accompanied with forbidden love.

We went and saw fireworks this year (a tradition that I am so happy we had the chance to continue), went canoeing, he cooked for me, we saw a movie and he woke me up with breakfast and the sound of San Francisco. I feel extremely lucky.

Our time apart feels like a blur. It dragged on and on while it was happening...I'd count the weeks every Wednesday, and I lost count several times. As if it were eternity. It was 13 weeks + 2 days. Now, it's hard to remember specifics. I'd found a melancholic sort of happiness. I wasn't moping around or crying myself to sleep, but I was getting by. It was needed, though.

I needed to find myself and give myself time to let go of the anger and hurt we had let enter into our relationship. It wouldn't have worked to just keep pushing it aside and ignoring it. There already was way too much resentment. "When we postpone the harvest, the fruit rots, but when we postpone our problems, they keep on growing." Great quote! He needed to find himself, too. We were lost as individuals, and we were no better as a couple.

I have faith we'll be so much happier now. I've learned from my mistakes (hence entry #1), because I never forgot about them. I refuse to repeat them again...and I think he does, too.

It's been a while

2009-06-30T11:09:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd have more time to blog, but I've been so busy lately. It could be that I lost my motivation to blog...something you shall learn about me very soon. I'm not very passionate about anything. I'm impulsive. But, if I do care about something, I'm passionate!

"Only one thing makes a dream impossible: the fear of failure."--Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, and I try to live by it. I had been holding back from doing something because I was scared of being rejected and being left in the cold again. After much pondering and thinking and not knowing what to do, I became at peace with my decision to move forward.

Sitting in the dark, I sent it. Then, I ran (quite literally) after my dream. I hope all turns out for the best...

PoP! Goes my heart!

2009-06-16T14:26:00.001-04:00

This video ALWAYS makes me laugh!

Harry Potter--the only stable man in my life

2009-06-16T13:40:00.003-04:00

I love to read. I've never really considered myself a reader or a reading expert, but I love the feeling you get when you can't wait to see what happens next in a book.

I always liked the smell of libraries. These days, libraries don't smell the way they used to...or it could be that I'm just so used to it since I visit the library several times a week. I like roaming the shelves and looking at different books when I'm tired of working on police log or writing stories.

I'm into Harry Potter these days. I started reading the first one about a month ago when I went to Miami. I read a lot of it on the plane ride over, but never finished it. Then, I finally did when I got home. It took a while before I was able to start reading the second one (which I started Friday afternoon), and I finished it on Sunday. I'm half way into the third one now. I'd like to at least finish the sixth one and watch all of the movies before the new movie comes out in July. Perhaps I can do it if my busy schedule allows me to ;)

I get into these phases where I fill every possible free second reading a book...in between assignments, right before a meeting, in the car as I wait for stuff, in between work and hanging out, in bed when I have nothing to do and then right before going to sleep. I keep copies of books in my car to keep me occupied. I don't know why, but I look forward to when I can pick up the book and read a couple more pages.

There's something about immersing yourself in someone else's world for a while. What I love about Harry Potter is that everything is so different...wizards, witches, ghosts, bad guys, dragons, spells and creatures. I love the different characters, and even though the main characters are significantly younger than I, I love how they're always finding themselves in an adventure. (Imagining British accents is cool, too)

Anyway, I hung out with an old college friend the other day, and we went into a Borders. I don't know what it is about him, but we would always frequent book stores (he said his mom used to take him into stores all the time to "smell the books"--very cute) and I always walk away buying some ridiculously expensive book. It's OK, though. This time, I bought "Life" by Paulo Coelho. It quotes all of his novels, and I love it. "The Alchemist" is my favorite book, and I've read some of his others...this book captures the essence of those. I shall incorporate some of the quotes into future entries and thoughts.

It's just the weight of the world

2009-06-13T16:39:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel like the world is playing mind games with me. Just when I start to get used to a life without someone, they come back...it's so hard.

Part of what was making it so easy was that he was gone. He didn't want anything to do with me. Then, 3 months later, a text with an apology comes in. WHY?! Why now?!

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm relived, I'm thankful all at the same time. But I'm not about to surrender. I worked way too hard to be OK just to turn around and undo everything that I've done in the past 3 months. I can't. I won't.

"This could break my heart or save me." Lord, help me make the right choice.

Pick me up

2009-06-12T17:09:00.004-04:00

So, thanks to a deal I found on On My Block I will be getting a coupon in the mail for a free chocolate bar in the near future. Chocolate is definitely a key to happiness (as well as the endorphins you get from working out at the gym after eating said chocolate)!

I've been thinking a lot about traveling--discovering something new and taking the time to explore. There's so much around here, but I've never been adventurous enough to get up off my butt to go see it. Or maybe I have thought about it, but executing plans is a totally different story. Or it could be that something/someone was holding me back. I guess I'll never know.

My goal this summer is to take at least three--hold me to this--mini weekend vacations this summer. I have until the end of August to do this. I definitely think it'll bring some spontaneity/excitement to my life!

Here are some ideas:

Seven Springs--1 hr and 15 mins

Philadelphia--5 hours away

New York City--6 hrs 10 mins

Niagara Falls--4 hrs 2 mins

Berkeley Springs WV--2 hrs 35 mins

The one who makes you smile

2009-06-10T13:07:00.004-04:00

I have a coworker (he's a courier) who comes by every morning/afternoon (depending on when I'm in and what route he's on) with a handful of gummy worms for me. I'm not exactly sure where he gets them, but I've seen someone with gummy worms in a bowl on her desk, and I'm assuming he gets them from her.

Anyway, it's an expectation now. Every time I see him, I know he's going to bring his hand out from behind his back and place the gummy worms in my hand. I always grin like a little kid when he gives them to me.

Some times it's little things like that that can make a crappy day so much better.

Running away?

2009-06-10T00:14:00.000-04:00

Running away from problems is never the answer. During the past couple of months, I have been faced with issues that have caused me to want to get away from the familiarity of my current life and never look back. Though several short-term attempts at doing so have been successful, nothing will ever be permanent. Why? Because I am human.

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders." Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed this. I agree wholeheartedly that in times of distress, it's nice to turn to these words. I long to be the forgetful person Nietzche finds to be so blessed. Let me forget exactly what I did to mess up so badly.

But think about it. Why would you? Screw ups, failures and events that are just plain embarrassing will mold you into who you ultimately will become. Besides, what's to stop you from making the same mistakes if you keep forgetting about them?

So forget about forgetting. I'm going to embrace remembering the good, the bad, the awesome, the horrible and even the boring parts of life.

I'm no expert on living the good life, but through this blog, I hope to dig deep and learn what it takes to achieve the ultimate goal of happiness. Whether it be through personal blogs, reflecting on already popular philosophies, remembering/analyzing dreams (aka taking a peek into my subconscious) or posting things that can make you smile (funny videos, pictures, etc.)

Enjoy!